Unfaithfully yours....

This Ash Wednesday was a little bit different than others, or perhaps is just that I don´t remember the others.

I was there in Church with Phil and Diane and many other beautiful people. Somehow Mary took me inside myself, I think She tricked me. First with Her beautiful Love She got all my attention and then....She took me there, inside myself, to those places where I don´t go very often because I feel like saying "Again????"

You see, I don´t kill, I don´t drink, I don´t smoke....I don´t look at pornography....I don´t....but She showed to me what I do. Those little things that I do and separate me from God....from Heaven...Those little tiny things that do not allow me to grow, to mature. Those little things are in reality BIG things because in some degree are bigger than my Love for God.

You will think that those "addictions" do not hurt anyone, but it is not true. First of all it hurts me because it does not matter the size of the attachment, big or small, if my will is not stronger than them I am giving my freedom away, which is God's Gift, to those little "gods" (or should I say "dogs")

The addiction is not the root of the problem, the problem is the emptiness that is hiding behind our addictions to perfection, to alcohol, to food, to cigarettes, to buy stuff that we don't need....to have the latest gadget in the market...to emotional flirting (this is a big one nowadays).....to working out.....to play games in the computer (beeeeep....sounds the alarm, here is one of mine).....to_______________ this is for you to fill the blank.

It hurts my husband because he cannot be present in those "little places" of my heart, they are already occupied.

The reality is that there is no possibility to live a live in compartments; "this is my professional life" "here is my family life" "here is the room for my private addictions" "here my hobbies"....all those "compartments" are connected and if there is darkness in one of them, then there is some degree of darkness in all of them.

We are created for Unity and we are UNITY, two cannot become ONE if there is just one and 1/2 or two 1/2 persons in the covenant. We still think that we can hide under the mask of "individuality" but the truth is that what you do affects me and what I do affects you.

So I was thinking about Hosea's marriage with a prostitute and how he had to deal with all her unfaithfulness...Hosea must be in the top ten of Heaven because What a life he had!.

I was thinking about Israel unfaithfulness and how God talked with clear images of adultery and sex regarding His relationship with His people. Of course all Israel was not having sexual relationships outside marriage but in their hearts they did. In their hearts they had those little or big gods that kept the ONLY GOD knocking outside the door.

God loves us so much that in His Love He will correct us.

When I was young-er, I used to be very, very, active. I loved parties, dance, smoke.... I was also workaholic ...I loved to be always on the go. God had been knocking for a loooong time and He knew that I was not going to answer if He was just pulling my hear.

God took my attention by taking my hip away and living me with chronic pain. I was a mad woman, frustrated and I said so many things to God in my anger!

It took me years to start to accept my situation, my daily pain, my limitations but while I was limited in the physical reality, I became more free in the spiritual reality. I started to look for Him, I realized that I truly needed Him to go through the day with hope, with peace. He took my hip, but He gave me a Heart that I didn't have before. I still struggle, really, sometimes I rebel...but thanks God it is not as long and as deep as before....perhaps it is because I am older now and I know that rebellion won't take me too far.

God gave me what I truly wanted a life with flavor a life with Him.

We are not done yet, as you can see. I am working on it and I know that He won't stop giving me light in all those things that I need to Surrender to Him, but, if we are truly honest...there is nothing better that we can do. He is the source of our Life, Happiness, Peace and He just wants to Restore us to be like His Son, to be Truly Happy.

I believe it is very important to check every day what we keep in our hearts, who is there and WHO is not there...If we keep track of what is going on in our hearts then we will improve, we will grow and we will be free.

God Bless you.....

Note: after reading my post and thinking for a while I would like to say something.

1. If I had to choose between having my health back and all I've learned about God, myself and others I would never choose my health. Health is something temporal, the knowledge of God and others lasts forever.

2. Yes, I believe that God, Who loves us SO MUCH can correct us in a "hard" way, when the "softer" ways don't work. Believe me, He tried many, many times in a soft way.....and I just was as hard as a rock. Jesus said that if our hand makes us sin we should cut it off...This is how vehemently we should long for Heaven.....Do we? Do I?

3. God loves hips....look at Jacob :)